Why I Left

"I have to get out of this skin cuz this girl thinks to much..." Laura Anderson

Well I suppose I should clarify why I left in the way that I did.

I knew it was the right decision for me in so many more ways than those visible on the surface. I am lucky enough to have a large amount of people in my life who care about me but that can sometimes be a problem because…

… Not all of them know me intimately enough to get my reasoning. The two people in my life dearest to my soul (LuLu and Sarah) didn’t flutter a lash at the thought of me going home. They both said only, “I think it’s time.” These two women were never friends with each other. They don’t keep in touch even on facebook.com. Their only tie to each other is me and without a moment to concur they said the same words to me.

I’m not a praying man but for the first time in years I prayed. I’m not sure whom I prayed to but I know what I prayed for: Signs. I’ve never in my life expected anyone to fix any problem of mine for me. That’s my job. I just needed a push in the right direction.f

But after my career failures and a completely unexpected breakup with a man that I loved even more than I realized, I was lost. So I asked for signs. Just Signs. I figured my end of the deal was to see these signs and follow. Seems only fair right?

Anyone who is even a casual acquaintance of mine of knows that after my break up with J all I wanted to do was run. Frankly, I was lucky that I was a stronger person than I was when I tried to commit suicide at 19. It was dark. Anyone can judge whether I should have been that miserable or not but the fact of the matter is that I was. It was a fact of my reality.

I called J one night at his work after I had work drama of my own. His last text to me that evening was “it’s slow here tonight so I might get out early” so I figured it was ok to give him a ring. To my surprise another manager answered the phone and told me he was off that night. This Little White Lie began his “I’m not sure what I want” confession that lead to the exposure of the skeletons in our respective closets that eventually lead to me wanting him more than I had previously known and him realizing he, currently, didn’t want me at all.

That was the first time I prayed for Signs about my life. I called my Mom. We’d call it the Night the Little White Lie Told All.

“Jennings, I told him. Damn it! I told him.”

“Told J what?”

“Not J, you’re father. Baby, I knew you weren’t ok back in May. Dad and I talked. You…just weren’t you…tossing…turning…having nightmares you didn’t even remember…Your daddy asked if you were ‘ok’ and I said “No, I don’t think he is.” He asked if you’d come home and I said “ Not as long as he has that boy…but if anything ever happens with that boy we’ll have to find a way to go and get him.”

My mother and I have had a different and difficult relationship but she’s always been an intuitive person. It’s funny that her heart is powered by an electronic device but it always seems to see more than most healthy hearts could ever dream of. J and I weren’t having problems back in May, at least none that I knew about (or were willing to face.) Hell, I was saving up to pay for our Anniversary vacation in August at the time.

A mother always wants to protect her young, sometimes to a hyper extent. Of course she’d want me home.

Sarah, I thought would fully agree with my decision to move home. Sarah and I are the same person. Despite the fact that we’ve only lived in the same city for 2 of the 10 years we’ve known each other we can tell each other what the other is thinking long before either of us even knows it’s true. Case in point: My emotional identity crisis lead her to rethink her life and pursue an amazing grad program that (after 3 careers) is truly what she wants to do. Her time at home in Iowa after graduating also helped her heal wounds with her family that she needed to heal. Something I need as well.

Lulu, I thought would be different. I was certain she would fight me to the death on this. “What are you going to do in South Carolina?” “Who are you going to date?” “Are you going to be safe?”

She said none of these things. “J.J….I think it’s time. Who is your family here? I mean you could move in with my family in Oak Lawn tomorrow and I’d love for you to cure my mom of her E.N.S but what are you going to accomplish there?”

I think the hardest thing she had to say to me was a direct response to my own statements. “It took me hearing you say it but…J.J. you don’t have anything left here.”

As for my family here: My beloved drag mama (whom I know really does love me) had just stopped even replying to my text messages at all. She didn’t want to get involved b/c she and J were friends first and shared a birthday. I’d never really win. That didn’t mean she didn’t care. Still, she wasn’t taking a minute to see if I was ok.

Then there was J.T. a dear friend of all of ours. A friend who had, on more than one occasion told me that If I wasn’t with J that he’d want to be with me. (A funny fact considering he’d had a history with J a while ago…)

I’d texted him to say how much I was hurting. I guess I needed someone who also knew J to know how hard of a time I was having.

He said, “Let’s meet for dinner”

I said “My account is in the red and I blew my savings taking J and I on an anniversary trip that I guess he never wanted and I’m behind on student loans and bounced my rent check but I’d love to just go for a walk and talk…”

He said nothing in response to that. (Days later he’d try to tell me all the reasons why I shouldn’t leave Chicago.)

I was resolute. It was time to leave. I clearly had no family here.

Then a very handsome man IMed me on one of the sites t hat would (mutually) lead to the downfall of my fidelity with J.

His smile was adorable (the feature J had told me was my best.) I’d had two serious relationships in my adult life.  The longest being my ex-husband but we were clearly a mismatched pair who had fallen in love with each other’s personalities. (We were both equally to cute/different for each other in different ways.) Then there was of course J who was the most conventionally “hot” boyfriend I’d ever had. It’s flattering to have everyone tell you how hot your boyfriend is. It’s frustrating when you feel not hot enough for him…makes you do stupid things.

The boy with the smile from the questionable websites was named Waylon (get it…Waylon Jennings…). Stupid me thought it might be a sign.

We agreed on everything. We were both reformed actors. Loved the same shows…but why meet if I’m moving?

It got me to thinking:
 “Should I just try and fix my finances here and move later?”
“If I move out of the Halsted bubble will I be/find a better boyfriend?”

Whether or not anything would happen with Waylon and me it made me doubt my decision to move.

Then Waylon and I became friends on facebook.com.

“Oh! You’re in pix with my buddy T.D. we’ve been friends for over 9 years were from the same town!”

T.D. and I weren’t friends on facebook.com  anymore because he’s J’s best friend. I hadn’t deleted the pictures yet because at that point I wasn’t ready to look at all the happy pictures of J and me.  Hell! I wasn’t ready to crack my toes because J had always done that for me when we layed on the couch feet to feet.

“Well if you’re T.D.’s friend than you must know J….”

“Just checked him out on your friends list. I don’t know him.”

1.)  Anyone who’s known T.D. for 9 years has at least met J.
2.)   J is no longer on my friends list so he can’t b found there.

Oh Waylon, It’s sweet you’d lie for a date but I’m not dumb.

That’s when I realized I needed to stop hoping for signs but to really listen to the signs that are there.

If I can’t meet a randomly cute boy from Michigan who doesn’t have an Indiana tie that eventually leads to my Chicago Ex Boyfriend then….

It’s time to go! So that leads to the next question…

Why did I leave the way I did…disappearing in the night?

I didn’t need people who haven’t texted me in months or years trying to convince me to stay.

I love all my friends in Chicago and I want come back for my birthday…visits etc but honestly…I’ve been a mess for days/weeks at a time without any of them even texting a “how are you 2day?”

I’m still friends with Chicago. Chicago is like a great love with a semi abusive man. The bad didn’t outweigh the good but eventually it’s exhausting trying to hide all of those bruises.