My Eyes Are Blue

“Take This Common Thread From My Dress…” Shelby Starner

“It’s all your fault. You Called Me Beautiful.” Pink


“Where are you?”

“Just getting out of the cab. I’m home.”

“Are you on the corner?”

“Yes. I have to work at 7. I’m…”

“Stay there I’m meeting you.”

Click.

He was right there in less than 2 minutes. NO hat. No scarf. Just a coat and a cigarette to keep him warm.

He stopped a foot or so in front of me. I’ve never in my life seen a boy look so much like a puppy dog who needed petting more in my life.
He just looked at me.

“I…I…I’m sorry.”

He put his left hand on my right cheek. Glanced at me one more time and kissed me.

“I’m finishing this cigarette and we’re going upstairs to talk.”

That was our first kiss.

***********

I met J at work. He was a transfer in from another state who frequented my store while getting settled and waiting to start work again at his new store. It’s a simple enough premise. Boy sees Transfer Boy. Girl co workers see Transfer Boy.  Entire store develops crush on Transfer Boy. Boy clumsily uses register tape and the opportunity to “pick up shifts” as an excuse to give number to Transfer Boy. Transfer Boy totally busts Boy for his “Jennings just gave a cute boy his number!!” facebook.com status update. Transfer Boy and Boy go to dinner at gayest burger joint known to man. Drama ensues.





We stood there silently after the kiss. I could still taste his cigarette on my lips.

What was it about cigarettes on a boy’s lips…

“You know I’m mad at you. I was so mad you didn’t show up tonight but I was so glad.”

“I’m sorry…?”

“I really wanted to see you. But what was I supposed to do with my friends? Introduce you? How was I supposed to introduce you? ‘This is my friend Jennings. My kind friend Jennings. This is his beautiful face.  These are his beautiful lips. These are his beautiful blue eyes…”

 His bottom lip quivered. He stammered and took a drag.

“My eyes are green,” is all I could manage to say.


For being as excited as he was when I gave him my number it took awhile for us to actually have plans. He didn’t know the neighborhood and I was trying to seem as local hipster as possible so I put on my skinniest jeans and drug him to Hamburger Mary’s, the gayest restaurant within walking distance.

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Despite the fact that I corrected my eye color to him, he didn’t comment he just flicked his butt to the ground linked his arm with mine and pointed to the entrance of my building and upstairs we went. I really didn’t need the several hours of conversation that would follow to forgive him. The kiss had more than taken care of that.

He wrapped his arms around me and breathed into my torso. I pulled his hat off (I had never seen him hatless.) His premature flecks of gray seemed to sparkle under my cheap IKEA paper lamps.

“I didn’t know you had grays.”

He pulled up from his almost fetal position on my lap, “I’ve gotten more since moving here.”

I looked at his sad brown eyes (that he swore were green) and kissed him again.
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After the awkwardness of the bank manager who handled my stores deposit sitting right next to us had subsided, we had a very nice dinner. Mary’s was always good for a vegetarian option and J was a big ole carnivore. J was closely guarded until we moseyed to a lesbian bar for a few cocktails.

It was there that I’d learned he lost his mother to cancer (I almost lost mine to heart failure) that he had ended a 3.5-year relationship (I had ended a 4.5 year relationship.) Cheating was a part of the end to his relationship (Cheating was a major part of the end of my relationship) they had lived together (Four in a row…is that tic tac toe?).

Then the anvil hit my head. He had only been single 3 months and moved from the east coast to get away form his ex. (I had been single for 1.5 years and had just had a very nice lunch with my ex who was still a good friend.)

He was wonderful but completely unprepared to let someone fall for him.

This of course wasn’t going to deter me. I’ve never been very good at seeing the writing on the wall.

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“You’re time is valuable…don’t think I don’t think its valuable it’s just that…I love spending time with you. I love spending time with you so much and that terrifies me.” You’re beautiful. And those blue eyes…”

“My eyes are green.”

“Your eyes are blue.”

I couldn’t rebuke him because his lips were on mine to quickly.

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We stood outside of my building after our first dinner. It was cold so we clearly weren’t going to stay long. It was the awkward time to decide if we were going to kiss. The decision was going to be up to me and I decided against it: a rare move on my part in the rational decision department. I knew he wasn’t ready for someone to fall for him and I knew a kiss would change everything. You can almost never just be friends after you’ve kissed each other.

“Bring it in Bro,” he said as he opened his arms for a hug.

How he had gone from him grinning and skipping out of my store saying, “You’ve made my day!” after I gave him my # the first time to “Bring it in Bro” I’ll never understand.

It didn’t matter. I was his already and I knew it…he probably did to.

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The elevator beeped while he held it open and leaned out, looking at me. He leaned and stared until I kissed him and kiss him I did. I held his face. I breathed him in. I kissed him like I meant it because I did.

That kiss…that wonderful kiss between two people who just needed to fucking connect with someone…with each other…that kiss would be our last.
I walked back into my apartment and leaned on my bathroom vanity. I looked in the mirror and wished that my eyes were blue.

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We continued to be friends as best we could. His eyes always looked green to me (instead of the brown they were that night) and he never referred to my green eyes being blue again.

I sat down at the computer to write this story and smoke some weeks after that one totally unguarded night we had together only to find his cigarette butt still sitting alone in my purple cross ashtray. I felt that extinguishing my cigarette next to his was an appropriate gesture as I typed the last period     .