I Shaved My Head Today

…Oh Let Him Go Blue Bird. –Sara Baralles

I shaved my head today. This may come as less of a shock when you realize that I am and have been for quite some time 80% bald. I’ve buzzed my hair very short since I started loosing it in my early 20s.

I have, however, never actually shaved my head. Awhile back I started keeping my hair just a little longer. My ex said in passing once that he preferred me “with a little hair” so ::Poof:: I changed my routine. He didn’t ask me to do this. Much like taking care of his dog, making his bed, cleaning his fridge and every thing I else did for him, I eagerly volunteered. He had said, “jump” and I was choosing to see just how high I could get. It was one of my many fruitless attempts at getting him to be more physically excited by me. The dirty texts hadn’t worked. The naughty videos hadn’t worked. Nor had lighting candles, running baths or begging so clearly leaving my hair a little longer was going to be the thing that made us flip fuck like rabbits in heat.

I still struggle greatly over self-esteem issues I have that were exaggerated by my last relationship. Why didn’t he ever want to have sex with me? Why was he always telling me that ‘sex wasn’t that important” to him but logging onto dudesnude.com, adam4adam.com, manhunt.net and craigslist.org touting that he was just a “single, normal, masculine guy” who was “up for whatever.” He was “up for whatever” but I felt like I couldn’t ever get him ‘up.’

Things are, however, looking up for me. I have a decent job where I’m liked. If the stars align I’ll have an even better and more exciting one thanks to a dear friend coming back into my life. I have a wonderful puppy.  I’ve gained back 16lbs after loosing nearly 25lbs being miserable and drinking my life away. I’ve even sort of met a guy. It’s nothing serious nor should it be. He’s tall and handsome and likes to kiss me and that’s more than enough for me right now.

Except I still look in the mirror and see that scrawny, ugly, unsexy person who wasn’t good enough in bed to satisfy my ex. This might all be untrue but it is, in fact, what I still see. That and I see a guy who still keeps his hair longer than he ever wanted to for a man that he’s never going to see again.

So I shaved my head. It was very freeing…until I saw the scar. There’s a thin diagonal line about 3 inches long across the top of the left side of my head. Early on in my relationship with my ex we were fighting because he had been out drinking with his friends one night and I was having a really bad day. I wanted him to stop in for a quick shot and to give me a hug. He said walking two streets down was to far and that he’d see me later in the week. I was hurt and furious. He was adamant that I was being a child. Thus a fight ensued. During this fight, our first, I was in the basement of the bar I was managing doing liquor inventory and I was so hyper tense waiting to hear from him…. anything at all from him…that when I heard my phone go off I jumped up, hit my head on a pipe and gave myself a mild concussion and a scar.

So there I was. Shaving my head. Shedding his idea of what made me attractive. Continuing to find my confidence and sense of sexual prowess again. And there it was. A physical manifestation of the scars I’m working through. Eight weeks ago I would have stopped shaving, fell onto the ground, cried myself into exhaustion and called off sick for work.

Today, I laughed. It was an ironic bitter laugh but a laugh nonetheless. Relationships scar. Do we heal? Yes. Do we fall in love again? Yes. Do we eventually realize it was all for the best? Probably. But no matter how good or bad things get for me from this point on, there is no denying that I’ll carry a scar with me inside and out.

So why hide it under the hairstyle he preferred when I can show it off on my freshly shaven head, a look that I think I greatly prefer.

I just hope I don’t get razor burn…:::scratches head furiously:::